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Interview with Tom Lee

Goldsmiths creative writing lecturer talks about the difficulties of revisiting his psychological breakdown for his acclaimed memoir The Bullet

Published on
July 18, 2024
Last updated
July 18, 2024
Tom Lee
Source: Goldsmiths

Tom Lee is a short-story writer, novelist and senior lecturer in creative writing at Goldsmiths, University of London. His latest book, , describes his and his parents鈥 troubles with mental illness.

Where and when were you born?
Wivenhoe, a village in Essex, in 1974.

How has this shaped you?
Wivenhoe is a pretty, riverside village, originally a fishing and boat-building place but, since the mid-1960s, fundamentally shaped by being adjacent to the University of Essex.听My dad was an academic there and the village was filled with other academics, their children and generations of students.听So the atmosphere was academic, political and fairly bohemian, with a lot of radical sociologists, artists, musicians and drunks.

What kind of an undergraduate were you?
Not a good one, in the conventional way.听I studied American and English literature at UEA, drawn by a vague awareness of Malcolm Bradbury鈥檚 creative writing MA and the fact that writers I loved had studied there: Ian McEwan, Kazuo Ishiguro et al. I did enough and enjoyed the reading, but the approach to analysing literature, fairly theory-heavy in those days, wasn鈥檛 a natural fit.听In my third year I went on exchange to the University of California, Santa Cruz, a beautiful, mind-expanding time.听Back at UEA in my fourth year I took some creative writing courses with Julia Bell, a writer and academic now at Birkbeck, and these workshops seemed like what I had been waiting for 鈥 a place to discuss and explore the messy reality of actually trying to create a piece of fiction.

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When did you realise you wanted to be a writer?
At the exact moment I stopped wanting to be a drummer.听That was the dream I had pursued quite obsessively through my early teens and when I came to 鈥 painful 鈥 terms with the fact that I wasn鈥檛 really good enough, I suppose I needed another thing. Fundamentally, then, I fell in love with reading.听All the obvious ones at that age听鈥 The Catcher in the Rye, The Bell Jar,听迟丑别苍听The Great Gatsby, all of Graham Greene. Then at some point you start to think, wouldn鈥檛 it be amazing to be able to write something like that, and then it鈥檚 over 鈥 nothing else feels quite as worthwhile.

Your book,听The Bullet, examines your own psychological breakdown, which began in 2008. When did you first realise something was wrong?
It manifested very strangely 鈥 at first entirely as a physical illness.听I was at an academic conference in Ireland, feeling fairly lonely and had a couple of days of really bad headaches.听On the last day of the conference, I woke up very early feeling nauseous and with a strange stiffness in my hands. I flew back to London, but it didn鈥檛 pass. Over the next two weeks I had flu-like symptoms that came and went 鈥 total exhaustion, poor sleep 鈥 and took time off work. I had been diagnosed with chronic fatigue in my twenties and although I had gradually recovered, I began to be convinced that I was relapsing. Lying awake one night, this fear gripped me completely and I descended into a state of uncontrollable anxiety.听After this strange preamble of physical symptoms, this is the moment I think of as the beginning of my breakdown 鈥 a psychological rather than physical one 鈥 and it took me a long time to put myself back together.

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Was it distressing to revisit that period of your life?
I鈥檓 not sure it was always healthy to be spending so much time buried in and revisiting this material. On the other hand, I did enjoy writing the book, in the sense of crafting something that I felt told a story well and vividly. I had really strong material to work with, and it was a good challenge to get the best out of it.

The book also explores the mental health challenges of your parents, who both spent time in a mental health institution. Did you think twice about exploring this traumatic time for your family?
Yes.听This was terrifically difficult 鈥 the book will be a one-off for me.听But this is the story I had to tell, and I can鈥檛 imagine writing anything else so personal and intimate.听Looking back to the beginning of it, I did not take seriously enough the question of what it would be possible or right to include about my parents鈥 lives.听At Goldsmiths, we tell life writing students to write their stories as uninhibitedly as they can, as if no one is ever going to read it, and they can worry about all those issues if someone wants to publish it.听It鈥檚 the right advice 鈥 you cannot write well if you are constantly censoring yourself for good taste and the risk of upsetting someone. And so that鈥檚 what I did, but when publication comes into play these problems are real.听Various friends, trying to reassure me, said, 鈥淲ell, this is your story, too,鈥 and whilst I think that is true, to a degree, there is also stuff in there that is primarily听notmy story, and I had a lot of doubts. Some of the material is difficult for my mum, but readers have told me that the writing about my parents is tender and sympathetic, so I am glad about that.听All this has been interesting but not always comfortable.

Your book has been praised for its unsparing examination of mental healthcare in Britain. What one thing could be done to fix the current system?
If it has to be one thing then the only answer is: money.听Like the rest of the public sector 鈥 and perhaps to an even greater degree than other areas 鈥 mental health services have been stripped bare over recent years; people鈥檚 need for help at all levels, whether in primary care or deeper into the system, totally overwhelms what is available.

Many academics feel stressed by their working environments. Do you feel UK academia is worsening the mental health of its workforce?
I鈥檓 sure that鈥檚 the case.听At Goldsmiths we are going through an extremely painful 鈥渢ransformation programme鈥 in which around half of the academic staff have been put 鈥渁t risk鈥 of redundancy, and that follows on from a previous round of redundancies in the English and history departments less than two years ago. You can imagine what that does for staff well-being.听Colleagues are really suffering.

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jack.grove@timeshighereducation.com

CV

1997 BA, American and English literature, University of East Anglia
2002 MA, creative and life writing, Goldsmiths, University of London
2009听Greenfly
2016 PhD, creative writing, Goldsmiths
2017听The Alarming Palsy of James Orr
2024听The Bullet: A Memoir


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