“Rejoice! Rejoice!” exclaimed our Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett, as he revealed at yesterday’s specially convened staff meeting in the atrium of the new Management Building that our university has moved up 74 places in��the Extremely Excellent University Guide compiled by��the Poppleton and District Evening Gazette.

With the help of PowerPoint, Targett demonstrated that for the first time in��its relatively long and relatively undistinguished history, Poppleton now occupies a��top��20 position in the league table of UK universities.

In answer to a number of��questions from the floor, Targett admitted that the dramatic improvement in Poppleton’s standing had not yet been recognised by any of the other well-known university league tables. He instanced the recently published The Times Good University Guide 2014, which “misleadingly” placed our university at 122nd in its overall rankings and signalled its distinctive status with a��dustbin and a downward-pointing arrow.

However, Targett was quick to point out that this discrepancy was readily explained by the narrower range of criteria employed by other league table compilers.

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Only the Poppleton and District Evening Gazette Extremely Excellent University Guide took into account such critical indicators of academic standing as Size of the Vice-Chancellor’s Emolument, Ratio��of Managers to Academic Staff, Number of Zero-Hours Contract Graduate Assistants and��Distance of University Campus from Nearest Branch of World of Leather.

Targett’s final words were drowned out by an excited staff chant: “Russell Group! Here we come!” ��

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Freshers’ Week removals

After concerns about freedom of speech, our Head of Campus Security, Brigadier T. W. Trouncing, has announced the reasons behind his decision to remove the following student stalls from the current Freshers’ Week Display.

1. Jesus Loves Me Society “Empirically dubious”

2. Guess Our Vice-Chancellor’s Weight In Potatoes “Bordering on the irreverent”

3. Shag a Don Club The inclusion in the club’s leaflet of a list of “20 well-known academic shaggers” together with their departmental affiliation was deemed “provocative”

4. The International Revolutionary Marxist Anti-Zionist Party of Great Britain and Northern Ireland The space taken up by the title of the society��“seriously impinged upon neighbouring stalls”

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Thought for the week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

In next week’s training seminar, our guest lecturer, Dr Strabismus of the University of Utrecht, will show how popular music lyrics can be used as an incentive to better academic assessment procedures. His lecture is titled “Help me get my feedback on the ground”.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk