Source: David Parkins

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Title of proposed party
Cultural and Media Studies Department Xmas Party

Where?
Senior Common Room.Michael Gove College

When?
Thursday 19 December. 6.30pm onwards

Onwards?
Until everybody has gone home

How many attendees?
Five people plus two graduate assistants and Maureen. Reply still awaited from Dr Piercemüller

I thought he’d left
No, he’s still on research leave

What type and quantity of alcohol?
Six bottles of Chianti Classico, two of Pinot Grigio, six cans of Gruttock’s 4X Lager, and a quart of plum brandy that Dr Quintock brought back from his holiday on a nudist island in Croatia

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That’s too much information
Sorry

Will there be any dancing?
Not of the intentional sort

Any jumping up and down?
Unlikely

Any chance that anyone might fall out the window or slip off a ladder or trip on a rug or accidentally stab themselves with a kitchen knife or set fire to the room or inhale asbestos?
Not really

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Any games?
After all the drink has been consumed, one member of staff will leave the room and the rest of us will try to guess who’s gone

What is the gender ratio?
All men except for Maureen, who is the departmental secretary

What are the possible learning outcomes from this party?
On the whole, it’s probably not the wisest thing in the world to top off seven glasses of cheap Chianti with a large plum brandy from a nudist island in the former Yugoslavia

Thank you for your time.

Verdict of risk assessmentt committee

The committee decided that it was unable to approve your party. Although many of the risk prevention criteria were met, the committee felt that a ban was appropriate in that there were several indications on the completed form that attendees might actually enjoy themselves.

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And we can’t have that, can we?

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk